24 March 2017

Post #96

Tiny abodes, with significant other, absolutely fucking no.

Britt wants to get a luxury small house.

Things people say about their new tiny homes:

Janice:  It's 165sf but it feels really spacious! (As her ass is cuddling with the cupboard and her stomach is hugging the sink).
It's not spacious Janice, they might need an emergency crew to break you free from the prison that is your kitchen and release your husband.

Steven: I like the door.
That's fucking awesome, a door...you like a door?  Just the one?  Oh that's right, that's how many doors you have.

Bridget: The backsplash is really nice.
All 2 square feet of it?

Nancy: I love that I can sit in my master loft, the teak beam right through the center is really beautiful.
Yes, until it's covered in your hair and blood when you hear a deer fart in the woods and are startled awake. 

Fiona: The tapestry, I love the tapestry...what a great touch!
It's a fucking blanket on a wall Fiona.

Britt: We could buy one, yes?
NO.

Ripple fits, Bitch Tits has been evicted...and we are sleeping in grass which I am allergic to.

Needless to say, this is how I feel about miniature, made for ants, dwellings.

1000 square feet minimum,

Katie E, Eshelman



23 March 2017

Post #95

Online shopping, while drinking wine, while living with a significant other.

So, I find a website with odd kitchen gadgets and such.  Here is what I believe I need.  I will fill in Britt's commentary without him as I already now what he will/would say.

Item #1
Me: I need this.
Britt: Nope, no you don't.
Me: Why the hell not?
It's a fishing pole that cooks a hot dog and marshmallows at the same time!
Britt: You don't fish and you don't camp Katie.
Me: Well fuck, fine...I'll find something else.
Item #2
Me: I need this.
Britt: What the fuck is that?
Me: It's an avocado hugger.
Britt: You have got to be shitting me.
Me: Everyone needs a hug Britt.
Britt: (radio silence) 
Item #3 (And the last I try to convince him I need to purchase.)
Me: What do you think about this?
Britt: Will it be filled with Jack Daniels?
Me: Sure, why not?
Britt: Buy it right fucking now.

I am still unsure why this man puts up with my antics, but we have fun!

To life, love, and flasks,
Katie E. Eshelman



16 March 2017

Post #94

Back By Popular Demand

I decided that I would try acupuncture for the first time as I struggle with neuropathy.  Literally cannot feel my legs, I look like a happy, injured, duck when I walk.

Move bitch get out the way!

I went for my first session, scared out of my mind.  My loving fiance drove me and let's just say, I got out of the car as fucking quick as I could because we did three u-turns to find the place and he was late for an appointment (my fault completely). The needles didn't seem so scary anymore, the look in his eyes most assuredly was.  The lovely receptionist gave me a chart, a chair and a bucket for my shoes.  I quickly realized that "community" acupuncture means you are in the same room as everyone else.  Fuck.  There was no going back.  It took not even one minute before all the pins were in place, I looked like a human porcupine.  I tried to relax.  NOPE.  A 30 minute flute solo in the background rendered me wide awake and wondering if I was on an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.  I couldn't move and the guy next to me in Bed #10 looked terrified.  I almost wanted to whisper that I had his back if this shit went awry.  However, they frown upon talking. I think he understood by the look in my eyes. The session ended and I walked out of the place like I just survived a hostage situation.

I went back three days later, it actually made me feel better.  I hoped that my buddy would be there to have my back like I did his, he wasn't.  It doesn't even matter...Punctured Pals for life!

Your's truly,

Katie E. Eshelman