21 January 2012

Post #63

What the fuck happened this week...

I got a call at work Friday afternoon from my mother.  I know, Earth-shattering news.  She wanted to know if I had something to tell her.  I was slightly confused until she asked if I was expecting.  Expecting what...??? Oh motherfucking no I am not.  Turns out a company called Similac decided to send this package to my parents house with my name on it...

I will be nourishing nothing of the sort.

I called Similac.  I told the dude on the other line that my parents were f-ing pissed and questioning my virginity, also asked how the hell they get off sending this shit to random people?!  He stuttered something incoherent and then told me that I was chosen from some fucked up database (my words not his) and I would be removed from it promptly. Thanks asshole. And holy hell mom, do you really think that is how I would tell you that I'm with child?  Okay fine, maybe I would.

Zoshua has a new arch nemesis.  Apparently, I have a cat cohort that is just as intent on screwing with Bitch Tits as I am.  I have decided to call it Gingy, that's short for Ginger.

"What the fuck is that?"

That's Gingy!!!
That damn cat sat on that lawn chair like a boss for a good hour or two.  Well played buddy, well played.

Since I have to work on this lovely Saturday I am going to cut this short.

Shits and giggles,

Katie E. Eshelman

17 January 2012

Post #62

Here's the deal.  My sister and I have spent our fair share of late nights singing, dancing, and creating enough noise to warrant a phone call to the police.  Our fun is innocent.  While it has come to my attention that some musicals should simply be watched and not mimicked, I continue to not give a shit.  From the sound of it our neighbor's fun might not be as pristine.  I have decided there are only three possible reasons which might explain the constant wall-banging noises coming from next door:

#1.  She is trying to wallpaper her place in finishing nails.
#2.  She is a nympho and/or a prostitute.
#3.  She is playing the most riveting game of  hands-on "knock, knock who's there?" in the history of time.

It better not be #2 woman.  We have a innocent cat over here with virgin ears.

That's right Bitch Tits, our neighbor might be an actual whore.

I'm not kidding about the whore thing.  Anytime someone knocks on our door she tries to invite them over to her place.  Our UPS guy Juan Valdez, our appraiser that stopped by the other day, and I think she even tried to seduce the ex-cleaning lady.  Holy shit...that might actually explain my last blog. http://eshelwoman.blogspot.com/2012/01/post-61.html  Bottom line, she needs to tone it the fuck down.

Bang bang,

Katie E. Eshelman

12 January 2012

Post #61

I have been a little slow on the updates and rants.  I'm not apologizing. 

My cleaning lady?  Fired.  Before everyone goes ape shit and thinks I am being a total asshole for having someone else clean my house, just listen.  I hate cleaning, I would rather spend an entire day being forced to watch 'Hannah Montana' reruns while sober, and...yeah I have gone too far.  In any case, I despise it.  Well, my "technician of sanitation" pulled one over on me.  I left my key under my door mat and I had my sister write her a check while I was at work (all standard operating procedures for the past couple of months).  Got home and it turns out the "duster of nothing" had lived up to her name.  I mean it has been a downward spiral since she first started.  I used to come home and the place was as clean as a nun.  This time?  She used our goddamn spray bottle filled with water (designed to show Bitch Tits whose boss) to clean a few surfaces, I can only assume she used a straw and a weak set of lungs to vacuum as there is still shit all over the floor, and she cleverly rearranged my bathroom to make it look as if it were cleaned.  Lies.  Where the hell is my toothpaste?!  I would have rather she jacked a piece of jewelry and left my place spotless.

I decided to become more artistic.  Accordingly, I bought a paint-by-numbers kit and am well on my way to fucking it up.


I told my dad and uncle that when my masterpiece was complete I was going to hang it up in the office.  My uncle promptly told me that if that was the case he was going to have his grandchildren make us a few pieces for the wall.  Dick.  I will update my progress after I go to Michael's this weekend and buy some legit paints and brushes.  That's right, I am dedicated to my craft.  Plus, I have a coupon.

Well look at that it's 4:02,

Katie E. Eshelman

04 January 2012

Post #60

Holy crap, it's 2012.

On the business side of things?  Juan finally came back with our computer.  He pimped the shit out of it. I'm not positive all of it was totally legal...so yeah, moving on.

On the personal side of things?  I decided that I wanted to pursue another endeavor in life.  I want to be the face of the container-of-wine known as Almaden. (I really should buy stock in it.) My sister thought it was a fantastic idea so I made her my marketing director and advertising guru. Hence...

No "box" is too big.

The continuing adventures of Zach and his iPhone... 

My dad got pissed at Siri...again.  He actually screamed into the phone "How many fucking boyfriends do you have?!!"  Apparently, when Siri doesn't answer him he thinks she is off gallivanting with someone else.  He thinks Siri is a whore, I guess she kind of is.  In any case, she didn't respond.

And now!  I introduce to you his sidekick Jeri!

This week I learned that you should never tell your mother that a childhood friend is the on the new 'Bachelor.'  Big, fat, fatal error.

Stop watching Mom.

Funny thing about that photo?  It's a screen shot of my sister's phone.  My mom called me once.  I'm quite confident that she inferred from my tone that I wasn't going to answer again.  Sorry Megan.

I continue to live in a constant struggle with Bitch Tits.  I was forced to take away her friendship bracelet the other day, the little shit viciously attacked me.  She almost broke skin.  Finally gave it back to her because she learned her new trick.  To sit on command.  I truly hope her New Years' resolution is to stop fucking with me. 

Well, here's to another year.

Katie E. Eshelman