23 December 2011

Post #59

Update:  He expanded!  So f-ing stoked.
I think I'll get my eyebrows done today.
I'll bring this picture for inspiration.

What the hell I've been up to.  I know it's been awhile but I have been super busy doing the same shit on different days.

Arizona Floorcoverings newest neighbor Juan, you know the barber with mad computer skills?  Well he finished his sign that can be seen from fucking outer space.

Holy shit!  You just took barber pole to a completely
different (almost offensive) level.  I'm not sure this tactic will work in such a classy
neighborhood, but kudos it looks really nice.

My Uncle Aric decided to give him a shot.  While getting his hairs chopped he mentioned that our office desktop computer was broken.  Next day Juan came and picked it up, quoted a price that I did not pay attention to, and left.  Our computer is still missing.  Not cool Juan. That eggnog and whiskey special at our bar is now double for you...in cost...not booze.

The Adventures of Zach and his iPhone update:

He figured out how to access the game center.  To be honest, I still haven't delved this deep into my phone.  In any case, he joined every game that he could.  He informed me yesterday that he was upset because no one wanted to play with him.  The last game he joined?  Warcraft.  I'm pretty confident that if you have to ask Siri to text and call for you, Warcraft isn't the game for you.  I told him I played Words with Friends and that we could start a game.  He said no.

My sister and I stayed up entirely way too late the other night and decided that we should practice our "Holiday Pageant Duet." Our neighbor may or may not have called the cops on us to complain of a God awful noise.  Whatever lady, "You are the Wind Beneath My Wings" is a classic.  Where the hell is your holiday spirit?  Turns out Bitch Tits was equally disturbed.  After letting out a few pathetic cries she attacked Megan, I assume to try and smother her. This led me to only one conclusion.  My voice is superior.

Well that brings us to today.  This morning I had the pleasure of driving to Sun City, the geriatric capital of Arizona, to close a up a couple of files before the holidays.  Seems simple enough.  I woke up, put on one of my favorite pairs of old, really comfy jeans...that are a little worn out in the ass.  I must preface this because when I put them on, the last thing I thought was that they would meet their untimely death.  Let's move forward. "Volunteer City" here I come, hooray!!!  I called the household when I got off of the freeway to let them know I was close.  They told me that it took them twenty minutes from there but that they drive really fast so it might take longer.  Swell.  I got there in five damn minutes.  What speed limit do you folks consider fast?  10 mph?  I walked up the pathway to their abode and rang the bell, this apparently triggered the dog behind the door to almost have a grand mal seizure (at least that's what it sounded like).  Shits.  Turns out the little ball of bark is named Petie.  Lovely.  Well, Petie has no manners and begins the "jump up and scratch the crap out of me" routine.  The owners seem to think it's cute, I begged to differ.  In any case, I can't get the thing to sit still or leave me alone so I tried to discretely move myself around their kitchen island in hopes of avoiding him.  Terrible decision.  Petie didn't fall for my stealth-like maneuver and in a fit of rage tried to mount me from behind.  All would have been well and awkward if he hadn't hooked one of his nails in the back of my well worn jeans.  Yeah, the fuckers ripped...exposing my ass to not only the man of the house but the woman too.  The kind sir finally gave me the check I came to pick up and saw me to the door.  I love my job.

Rest in pieces jeans,

Katie E. Eshelman

15 December 2011

Post #58

Banking behavior that renders you an asshole.

So I'm slightly hungover as my good friend Kate decided to throw a wine party last night that could have leveled a pack of Eshelmans. I was supposed to leave with a bottle of wine as a parting gift...yeah...I ended up drinking it there. What can I say, her nine foot couch looked willing and able to sleep with me.  Why I felt the need to preface this before I moved on?  I'm not sure, fuck it.

DON'T.  Use the drive through ATM like a walk-up ATM. I am referring to the folks that roll up a good foot from the goddamn machine and then must park their car, open the door and get out to complete their transaction.  Hoof it to the walk-up you lazy bastards.  How in the hell can you not pull up close enough?  Find your depth perception and try again.

DON'T.  Get pissed at the teller when you have overdrawn your account  You are the dumb fuck who couldn't keep track of your money.  Either make more or spend less.  That teller behind the bulletproof glass (thank God for that) isn't the one who blew all your money on crack and booze.  And yes, that is what I believe you spent it on.  This based solely upon your attire and stench.  Although, it is quite possible that it is based upon the fact that your crack pipe is peeking out of your back pocket.

DON'T.  Ask the teller to cash your pay check in $2 denominations.  Period.  Way to passively aggressively say "Fuck You!" to the rest of world ma'am.  I'm not shitting you it took twenty minutes for the lady in front of me to get paid.  Absurd.  

To wrap it up, I would like to give a shout out to the Chase Bank, Wells Fargo, and Bank of America on 44th street and Thomas.  Your customers are the shit.

Deuces up,

Katie E. Eshelman

07 December 2011

Post #57

Watch out Nick Brandt.

I got a phone call from my dad the other night that there was an owl in his backyard.  It was actually warranted as those creatures are pretty fucking rad.  I told him to take a damn picture and get back to me.  Thanks to his new phone a photo was acquired.

All kidding aside, I'm so damn proud of you dad.

That picture is now his wallpaper, screensaver, and greatest accomplishment on his iPhone...aside from his hysterical fight with Siri.


Katie E. Eshelman

05 December 2011

Post #56

After Halloween I'm useless till January 5th.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch.  Great times, great family...over a hundred bottles of wine consumed by almost everyone in attendance.  Side bar:  I would like to point out at this time that just because you carry a plastic bag containing several vodka smugglers on board for an east bound flight...doesn't mean you partook anymore than the rest of the clan.  My sister was more than willing and quite able to share them.  Moving on.  I was informed that certain family members would like an honorable mention in my blog.  Ask and you shall receive.

The "Boy Scout"

Tried to start a beach bonfire and failed.
A Swiss Army knife doesn't mean you get a badge.
Especially when you cut yourself with it and your mom
has to take it away.

A little background for the next biography.  When we showed up to my Uncle Greg's abode we were promptly given crayons and a blank paper turkey place mat.  Thus...

The "Artist"

The only kid in our family to be busted for cheating in a coloring contest.
Daniel allowed my sister to help him out.
Shame on you! And shame on Megan for using her unparalleled artistic
abilities to try and  obtain first and second place.  Disqualified.

My masterpiece.
Second place?  I tied for second place with my sister?  I'm 28 years old?  

Fucking robbed.

All in all it was a stellar trip.  It started with a ten minute security line due to the fact that my mother called  in ahead of time and requested a wheel chair.

Holy shat?!
That carpet is hideous.  Little planes in holding patterns? 

Looks like an air traffic controller's nightmare.

What in the devil?!
She's standing.  It's a Thanksgiving miracle!!!

I will now bring this memoir to an end. By fulfilling the most important request. I will mention my Uncle David (still can't for the life of me remember what you actually wanted me to say...maybe it was the wine.) So, hello and I love you.

To family,

Katie E. Eshelman