29 November 2011

Post #55

UPDATE:  So on Friday I went to ACE Hardware to pick up a humane mouse trap in hopes of catching and releasing Cheez-It outside alive and thankful.  Unfortunately, I found out the only traps of the those kind were upwards of fifty bucks.  So yeah...kind of awkward buddy as you are shit out of luck.  I bought an alternative method.


My dad thought we should sweeten the deal and put a little treat next to each pack.  He suggested a nacho cheese flavored cracker.  No Dad.  I will not kill Cheez-It with Cheez-Its!  So I put a tortilla chip by each pack and closed the office for the weekend.  Nightmares ensued until Monday when I walked in the shop and discovered that my new office mate had treated the three "death zones" as such.  #1 Chip consumed, poison left untouched. #2 Chip ravaged, pack of poison relocated to...who the hell knows where.  #3 Chip inhaled, and one BITE of poison consumed.  The animal is now alive, full, and pissed.  Shits.

Give a mouse a box of wine over Thanksgiving? (Ok, ok...half empty box of wine.)  He'll try and eat every damn scrap of food in your office.

That's right folks there is a mouse that has decided to call Arizona Floorcoverings it's Motel 8 for a brief period of time, very brief.  Made an executive decision to call him Cheez-It (Nutcracker was a close second) because when I think 'mouse' I see:

Hey there little fucker.  Thanks for leaving the bag of delicious almonds you gnawed
your way through wide open.  They are now stale and inedible.  

Then I was reminded of a little something called Hantavirus.  Thanks Ben Eshelman.  It seems stale almonds and tortilla chips aren't so bad after all.  In any case, now I'm thinking...

Fucking nightmares for days.
Solution obtained?

"What? No wine?"

Nope.  In closing, tomorrow I must go to Home Depot and try to find a humane mouse trap to catch the little shit. Fucking Cheez-It.  

Truly Nolen,

Katie E. Eshelman

21 November 2011

Post #54

Monday Fun Day.

Zach Eshelman got an iPhone.  He spent the better half of the morning screaming at it to "TEXT JERI!" and to "FIND SIRI! Where's Siri? Siri talks to Steve."  He was actually upset that the phone talked to Steve and not him.  Steve being one of my dad's best friends.  The same guy who took a picture of his own dog and made it the background of my dad's new phone as he knew he wouldn't be able to change it...and was right.  It took him about ten minutes to pick his ring tone as he had to listen to each and everyone of them, twice.  He's also excited that we can now "face to face", more commonly known as FaceTime.  Like we don't see each other enough at work, on the weekends, at family functions? Thank God it's a short work week.

A gentleman came into the store looking for 3D Imaging Sales, a screen printing store. I tried to explain to him they were no longer here and haven't been for years.  At this point arguing ensued.  Excuse me sir, if you shut the hell up for just a second and take a gander around you will see this is a carpet store/bar & grill/gym.  I could give two shits that you called their number and they said they were still in business, because they are not in business HERE.  If you are not interested in flooring or a glass of cheap wine please exit the building.  Yet another interpersonal skill win for me.

Two hours later...

Lost the will to work due to a two hour iPhone lesson.  Came to the conclusion that Thanksgiving warrants a whole damn week off.  I mean it gets overshadowed by Christmas, shit on by Santa, and wished to a quick death due to Black Friday.  I'm starting a petition.

Counting down the days till St. Patties!

Katie E. Eshelman

10 November 2011

Post #53

What the fuck happened this week.  I usually throw these out on Fridays but tomorrow is Veteran's Day and I'm riding that government holiday all the way to the...errr...bank?  Nevermind.

Still paranoid as fuck that Bitch Tits is trying to kill me.  The reasons are immeasurable.  Well I finally managed to grab photographic evidence that should prove to the world that she does in fact hate my guts.  I was reading a book and she jumped up on my lap...just feeling out the enemy I figured.  When I finally acknowledged her?  This was the death stare she was giving me.

Oh sweet merciful crap.  

The stone cold killer didn't even flinch when I grabbed my phone.  I quickly realized I was the human in this situation and told her that cats don't really have nine lives...they have one.  Shit you not she was like:

I will accept your olive branch at anytime Zosh.  Ball of string is in your court.

I went to Walgreen's to pick up some vino for my sister and myself and there was an offensively sexy man in the parking lot talking on his phone.  He was clearly not checking me out...but he sure as shit was in my head.  I made an executive decision not to procure the box of wine I had originally planned on as he would see me exit the store with it and he would want nothing to do with me. (Yes, I think about this shit.)  So I grabbed three bottles of wine instead and went to the check out.  That's where the nice store clerk gentleman told me that if I bought one more bottle they would all be 10% off!  Naturally I picked another bottle of wine because who in their right mind would turn down such a frugal deal.  Not this Jew.  I sashayed my way out of the store and that's when I realized that looking like an alcoholic as opposed to being a cheap one probably makes no difference to him.  Pretty sure I'm not getting that first date.

Then today I arrive home to find this:

Mom?  I swear I'll be good.  I'll take out the trash and everything...tomorrow.

I mean how the hell does shit like this happen?  So now I have to sleep with one eye open?  Crap.  If this makes no sense to you it means you didn't read this http://eshelwoman.blogspot.com/2011/09/post-43.html.  

To life,

Katie E. Eshelman

08 November 2011

Post #52

I can't figure it out ladies.  The idea that if you throw sparkles/sequins/jewels on something you are making it better. I promise you it does not.

Nope.  Still fucking ugly.

That sweater?  Not better.
Those pants?  A whole bunch of awesome.

Survey says?  It's still a piece of shit.

Lastly, the phenomenon that is vajazzling.  I mean twat the sparkling fuck!?  Jewels on your vagina!?  No, no, no.  In fact, I can't even expand on this as it's just too fucking weird.

Congratulations!   You just made a treasure box.

I think that just about sums it up.  Stop slapping rhinestones on ugly.  Thanks.

Katie E. Eshelman