27 October 2011

Post #51

Hearing aid of the future...errr, past?

Lately, my dad's hearing has gone to shit.  I mean he needs a hearing aid in a bad way.  As always, he took the traditional route of not going to the doctor and figuring it out on his own.  Ladies and gents this was his solution:

n. pl. sho·fars or sho·froth (sh-frt, -frs) Judaism
A trumpet made of a ram's horn, blown by the ancient Hebrews during religious ceremonies and as a signal in battle, now sounded in the synagogue during Rosh Hashanah and at the end of Yom Kippur.

This is how it works:

Yes, we do in fact have a Jew horn.

I can hear!?!

Final result:

You're not doing it right!!!

Um, yeah...he was channeling his inner Peter Pan.  Now, if you are thinking poor Jeri?  Don't.  She brought this upon herself as she is the one that found it and put it in his hands.  Fatal error mom.   


Katie E. Eshelman

21 October 2011

Post #50

What the fuck happened this week...

I am not firing on all cylinders today as I got wine wasted last night.  However, I am pushing this out because I have ten followers that need to know.

True Love Update:  My dad fell out of bed a couple nights ago and my mom was awake when it happened.  She waited for him to moan it out for about five minutes before asking if he was OK.  Took him five seconds to blame it on her.  He was convinced she pushed him.  Talked to my mom and apparently she surmised from his sleep talk that he thought he was at the pool and the last thing he said before belly flopping on their wood floor was "Weeeee!"  Two days after the fact, my dad asked me if my mom had taken responsibility for his "fall".  I told him her story and his response was a giggle (yes a giggle) and "Oh yeah, I do remember dreaming about being at the pool."  Case closed.

I figured out a new way to piss off Bitch Tits. I just put kitty treats on her back.

If looks could kill.  Too bad they can't Zoshua.  I win.

I found out my camera phone might be a racist prick.  I got my new Hadassah magazine in the mail.  Best cover ever...because it was fucking Blossom!!!  I had to take a picture so I could mass text all my favorite Jews.  I decided against that as this was the result.


Well, I suppose it's time to tend to actual work at this point.  The step machine needs shining and the grill needs cleaning.  


Katie E. Eshelman  

16 October 2011

Post #49

Advertisement Fuck Up

No. No. Hail no.

This is not right, in anyway. The first twenty five seconds intrigued me, the last seven?  Deeply disturbed me.  Christ, at this point RepHresh couldn't clean up this mess of a commercial.  And to be honest...you could say the same thing about the "P."

Stay Fresh,

Katie E. Eshelman

15 October 2011

Post #48

What the fuck happened this week...

Let's see, on the work front we have decided to expand beyond flooring and the AZFC Bar & Grill, we are adding a gym.  My dad and I procured a step machine that was tragically left unattended and abandoned outside the back of our office.  It's ours now.  Stop on by my office if you are ever in need of some flooring, a glass of wine, or a geriatric paced workout.

Get to steppin' 

I made a rule that no male cousins of mine are allowed to come over and hang out during the week again.  Two separate days of blistering hangovers and the knowledge that I consumed the most horrific piece of pizza in my life are enough for awhile. I also made a rule that the maximum amount of toppings that should ever be allowed on a pizza is six.  Woof.

My texting lessons with my mother went well enough.

My sister found her Halloween costume (I shit you not, couldn't make this up if I wanted to.):

You might see a Pterodactyl or possibly a dude on the losing end of a bet.
All I see is a terrifying family photo op. 

Well it's time to step outside into this brisk, cool fall day and either prep to watch ASU kill Oregon or attend the fair and Trace Atkins concert.  Pretty positive they will be equally disastrous.


Katie E. Eshelman



13 October 2011

Post #47

The Land Before Time.

Christmas came early for me this year.  

It's Sharp Tooth!!! 

Well look at that folks, she's willing to wear her "friendship" bracelet after all.

Not to be outdone the little shit promptly delivered a present to my bedroom door...in the form of a goddamn cockroach.  The T-Rex dies in the movie Zoshua.  Just saying.

Game on mother fucker,

Katie E. Eshelman

Additional Footage:
Pure.  Hatred.

She wouldn't even stand up.   Pussy.

03 October 2011

Post #46

So being the good Jew that I am I had to glean from Facebook that it was Rosh Hashanah.  Once I figured it out I promptly screamed "Happy New Year!" via status update.  My Gentile cousin was nice enough to respond with: "L'Chaim!"  To which my other Gentile cousin responded: "Is that how it's spelled?!"  Well shit...is it?  I did what I always do, I threw it into a search.  This is what I got:

L'Chaim VODKA!?!   How the hell does that come up before meaning or lyrics???
Apparently, Google likes Jews who like booze.
Clicked on that search bubble and discovered this:

Look at that, wine and tequila to boot!  Sorry Fiddler on the Roof...Fiddlers on the Hooch is where it's at.  

Here's to Yom Kippur and to life!

Katie E. Eshelman