30 September 2011

Post #45

What the fuck happened this week...

Well, I found this photo on my phone.

When: Last Saturday night.  Where: Rusty Spur.  
Situation:  I told the dude next to me that I was going to 
Ruphenol his beer.  He eventually had to head to the little boy's room.
Way to thwart my attack with a napkin bright eyes.  I hate to break your heart
but the "pull-out" method doesn't work either.

My dad got subpoenaed by another flooring company's angry customer.  Thank God she wasn't livid with us, I don't think we will ever live down the surprise home makeover we pulled this year. (Great story, still makes me laugh.) In any case, I couldn't help but picture my father in court.  This was the first and only thing that came to mind.

The truth being you didn't hire us to do your flooring and you got fucked.

I took a trip to the mall with my mother.  It took me a whole damn hour to realize she was wearing these:

Fucking what!?!  Bitch Tit socks?  That's correct folks.  My sister bought these
for my mother to wear...and she did.  I am terrified.

Today?  Well let's just say right now my dad is snoring and I am writing this.

Closing time,

Katie E. Eshelman

23 September 2011

Post #44

What the fuck happened this week...

My mom called me at 7:00 in the morning today to tell me she sent me the funniest email ever.  The etiquette of Internet messaging is apparently lost on her.

My uncle sent me an email containing this video: http://www.tvkim.com/watch/728/kims-picks-funny-song-about-losing-your-memory?utm_medium=nl  I promptly sent it to my mother and then called her to tell her about it.

I got buzzed last night and bought this.

Boom.  Can't take this off or discard.  It's engraved bitch...tits?!

It was the best of the four I decided to order off of http://www.loveyourpets.com/.

What the fuck?

I blame the white wine and filthy shot of Jameson my dad and I HAD to take last night in honor of our client Geraldine Jamieson whose vinyl flooring we installed today.  Made/makes sense.

I got angry at the television which is pretty typical.  The show?  "Ten Dollar Meals."  You have got to be kidding me lady.  That "frugal" meal you just spiced up in your kitchen? It only applies to people who live on a goddamn farm. 90% of your meal consists of your own fresh herbs, vegetables, eggs, chicken, milk, and slaughtered pig.  I live in a townhouse. I have a cactus in a terracotta pot and some shreds of grass mixed with weeds.  Go fuck yourself.

Finally, autumn began.  The temperature dropped to a tolerable 105 degrees so I decided to wear my first jacket of the season.  Moderately intelligent choice, I sweat out all the booze from last night.

Cheers to Fall,

Katie E. Eshelman

22 September 2011

Post #43

True Love.

In a world where love is fast and marriages are fleeting it's nice to know that my parents still got that lovin' feeling.  I'll use the other night as an example.  My dad calls me in a panic (he may or may not have had a few cocktails.) What follows is the gist of our conversation.

Dad:  I think your mother is trying to kill me.
Me: Why?
Dad: My guacamole smells funny and it's really green.  I think she put antifreeze in it.  I swear she is trying to poison me.
Me: Does it taste sweet?
Dad: Maybe...
Me: Dad, she didn't lace your guacamole with antifreeze. (Silence)
Me: Dad?
(Dad drops phone and call is lost.)

I promptly call my mother who lives with my father but is sitting in the other room...just to check.

Me: Is dad OK?
Mom: Yes, why?
Me: He says you are trying to poison him.  He dropped his phone.  Is he alive?
Mom: Yes, he is.  No, I am not trying to poison him.
Me: He thinks you put antifreeze in his guacamole.
Mom: There is no antifreeze in the house Katie.
Me: Alright, just letting you know.

Two minutes later I decided to call my dad back.

Me: Dad, mom said she is not trying to kill you.  She says there isn't even antifreeze in the house.  I think you are imagining things.
Dad: No I'm not, something smells like poison. (Long pause)  It might be my hair, I accidentally washed it with vinegar this morning and forgot to shampoo after.
Me: (laughing too hard to respond)

That is pretty much how the conversation ended as I couldn't breathe for a good minute or two.

The proud daughter of Zach & Jeri,

Katie E. Eshelman

16 September 2011

Post #42

What the fuck happened this week...

Well, well, well.  I found out that I not only look like a dude/lesbian when I go to work, I might also sound like one.  It has now happened more than I would like to admit.  I answer the phone at the office and the response is: "Zach?"  This week it was "Zantz Eshbelnen?" (They were calling from the United States for sure.)

I made coasters from old, tiny, travertine samples and 3M felt skid pads.  My Jewish mother would be so proud.  She was the one who taught me to buy smugglers for the airplane.  Fuck the stingy, wallet raping drinks that Southwest serves.  Just buy the mini bottles of booze at Walgreen's and make yourself a double. They absolutely can and will go through security.

I found out about this video:

My sister left town.  I told Bitch Tits she was never coming back.  I promise you the fucking cat shed a tear.  I explained that I was the boss and always would be.  If I don't check in on Facebook somewhere or sometime tomorrow it means she successfully eliminated me.

I wasn't kidding, she lost the will to live.
Yes, that is a plastic bag.  No, I didn't allow her to follow through.

God speed,

Katie E. Eshelman

08 September 2011

Post #41

Post Labor Day weekend productivity at it's finest.

I got many a thing done the last couple of days.  At work?  I checked messages, returned emails, ordered some floors, scheduled a few things.  Delivered all of my work neighbor's mail as the United States Postal Service basically doesn't give a shit anymore and just gives it all to me.  Patted myself on the back for a job well done.

At home?  I decided to extend an olive branch to Bitch Tits and went ahead and made her a friendship bracelet.  Oh all right, it was originally slated to be a human sized bracelet but I couldn't finish it.  I got insanely bored and also realized it was heinous.  The art of re-gifting was not lost upon me.  I gave it to my sister as a bookmark.  Fast forward to the brilliant idea of a peace offering for the cat (sorry Megan but I had to take it back.)

Long story short?   The furry little shit loathed it.

Really?  You can't even look at it?  Well screw you too asshole.  In
grammar school this cavalier attitude towards being someone's BFF would have left you playing
four square with a wall.  It's string for the love of God.  You are supposed to swoon.  

So, overall pretty thrilled by my list of accomplished tasks.

Katie E. Eshelman

05 September 2011

Post #40

Fortune cookie fails.


Lies!  All lies!

Oh, well this is just fucking grand.  How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight?
But what???
(Side bar:  I decided to try and make nice with the cat assassin.  Step One: Breed Trust)

Spectacular.  I should get a job writing these bits of whimsy.
Let's see...how about: "Your Little Pony...went to a glue factory."


I can safely say I will not be flipping over any more fortunes to learn Chinese.  Assholes. 

Zai Jian,

Katie E. Eshelman

02 September 2011

Post #39

What the fuck happened this week...

I proved to my father that Febreze smells like old woman and musk.  I figured this would mean it had no place in our store.  He spritzed the shit out of our office...I quit.

I rehired myself.

Finished The 19th Wife, a fine tail of polygamy.  Accordingly, I figured out my Halloween costume for this year.  I need approximately five lady friends (one will need to know how to properly plait hair) and a dude to complete the look.

I played a drinking game with myself and lost.

I made an executive decision to bring a George Foreman grill to the office.  The AZFC Bar and Microwave is coming together nicely...we can now actually call it bar and grill.

Found out my sister's cat is secretly trying to kill me.  Woke up Wednesday morning and my door was ajar.  Guess who figured out how to open it?  I almost shit myself when I fully swung it open and saw Bitch Tits (this being the name I lovingly bestowed upon her) ready to pounce on my face.  Super happy I now have life insurance.

Zosh a.k.a. "Bitch Tits"
Don't allow a simple act of complacency to fool you.
This evil creature is guilty of attempted murder and breaking and entering.

Got background checked by my boss, thanks Dad.  My freshman year minor in possession is going to follow me till the day I die.  Which could be sooner rather than later...fucking cat.

That pretty much sums it up.  I feel like I made huge strides towards doing nothing important.

Happy Goddamn Labor Day,

Katie E. Eshelman