01 July 2011

Blog #30

I wasn't going to go on a "it's hotter than hell", "I have third degree burns from my seat belt", "I'll go to jail if one more person says 'but it's a dry heat'" rant.  However, my day has warranted one.  Jesus fucking Christ!  I have some choice words of my own, but these two geniuses deserve credit for their utter understanding of the bullshit that is summer in Phoenix, Arizona.

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly, " he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Arizona is hotter than Hell. "

-One smart motherfucker 

I will never let my sister feed her cat Kibbles and Bits, ever.

And now for what sparked this utter breakdown.  I walked outside my house in the middle of the day to find this:

"Hey there bitches!, I can survive a nuclear bomb.  Arizona? What? Not a fucking chance."
It's cool buddy I've lost the will to live too.

When a roach keels over and dies for no other reason, that I can gather, than heat?  You know it's bad.  God speed la cucaracha. 

That's about all I have left in me after this day of total and utter shitness. 

Stay stifling hot my friends! 

-Katie E. Eshelman

P.S. Can't wait for the "dry" heat that will come with the impending storms on Monday.  Blog #31:  Why I hate the word moist.

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