24 July 2011

Post #34

Cliffs Notes version of my last few days on Percocet.

Chapter #1:  Things that made me giggle:

Lisps.  Then there was this:

Rollin on dub.

My dad and uncle's conversation about bisexuality at the Stockyards:

Uncle Aric:  Now the cool thing to be is a bisexual.  No more metroseuxal, that's not good enough. 
Dad:  It's just what guys call themselves when they can't get a woman to sleep with them.
(I wish I could say it ended here, but this is the short version.)

Chapter #2: Things that made me frown:

No drinks for me.  I wasn't given actual Percocet, nay...Roxicet.  Ah what the hell, it did the trick.  

Chapter #3: Things I'm pretty sure I did:

Slept.  Solved a cryptogram.  

Whelp, I guess not.

Plotted out the most elaborate scheme ever to make money.  I think it had something to do with exercises you can do while confined solely to a bed.  I believe I even had the amount of reps and several positions locked down.  I then slowly realized there is something called sex, pretty sure I didn't invent that.  Crap, back to the drawing board.

Looked up pictures of kidney stones, then cried accordingly.

Chapter 4: Things I didn't give two shits about doing:  

Anything useful.  Aside from finding the stellar tortoise pic.


To be completely honest I had to do a tailored version of these memories as I can't remember shit from the first day or two.  I clearly had some ups and downs.  I can't say that I look forward to the time when I will need these clever little pills again, but I can safely say it will be interesting.

The End,

Katie E. Eshelman

UPDATE (27 JUL 2011):  Oh holy hell, came home to a lovely shipment from Amazon.  Apparently, I managed to purchase Brazilian Butt Lift while totally out of it.  Stand by for further updates.

13 July 2011

Post #33

Things a chick should most assuredly know how to do: 

-How to pick a pair of sunglasses that fit your face.  Sunglasses are made to shade your eyes from the sun, not your entire skull...they make hats and paper bags for that.  I'll go ahead and add a subcategory to this: How to pick a pair of jeans that don't double as a band clamp. Ladies it is perfectly acceptable to wear the size jeans that fit you...nobody can see the tag, but they sure as hell can see your love grips.  

-How to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission.  Hell, you need to know how to drive correctly in general. 

-Drink beer, whiskey, and bathtub gin.  You can refer to Post #32 for the rest of this why, when and how.

-Change a tire, change a light bulb, lower the level of your drunk voice, not buy a cat.  Shit. It's 3:55?  What the fuck am I still doing at the office?  

Closing time,

Katie E. Eshelman

11 July 2011

Blog #32

Things a man should most assuredly know how to do:

-How not to pair socks with sandals.  Ever.  I really can't emphasize this enough.

There are absolutely no excuses.  Really?  You thought you could get away
with it because they are black and toe less.  Shame on you...and your leash.

-Drive a car with a manual transmission. Could also be akin to "driving" a woman who uses a vibrator...you better know how to do it without.

-How to use jumper cables.

-How to start a camp fire. With nothing but sticks and a rubber band.  (If you can do it with toothpicks and a g-string you win.)

-Drink bottom shelf gin without making a face.  There may be a day when you are forced to start that fire as you can't drive a four on the floor and are stuck out in the wilderness. You think there is going to be a spare bottle of Tanqueray Ten anywhere near? (If you were smart it would be in your trunk.) Guess what? You're drinking whatever comes out of the bathtub of the nearest house playing dueling banjos.  Smile and thank them accordingly.

-Always have a spare bottle of liquor on hand.  Ummmm...yah, I know I can go somewhere with this but I am running out of steam.  Hello ADD.

-How to fight a bear with your bare hands. Or a guy named "Bare" who just fed you bathtub gin. 

I will make a list for the ladies in due time.  It just seems natural for the guys to come first.

Firm handshake,

Katie E. Eshelman

04 July 2011

Post #31

Today's writing is brought to you by my inability to sleep combined with my stellar channel surfing skills.  At exactly 3:47 in the a.m. I came upon an infomercial that left me saying out loud, in the dark, alone..."What the fucking fuck?  No goddamn way."  Folks I give you...

This is scary, I mean bone chilling frightening.  Next time you are out trolling in Scottsdale for a lovely little lady, let this thought stay with you.  Seven pounds of shellacked Mac makeup combined with fake boobs and the snap on smile will leave you wishing you would have had just ten more tequila shots.  Ten more and you would have been passed out on the bar room floor.  The alternative is this: 

You go home with her...

Yah right buddy.  How many beers have you had tonight? 

You wake up to "it"...

Thanks snap on smile!

I'm not sure if they still exist and it's been a coons age since I wore them, but I am 99.9% sure braces are still a viable option for fixing a fucked up grill.  I need a beer to wash away this entire blog.  Pennywise makes me want to piss myself. 

Happy Independence Day my friends!

Katie E. Eshelman

01 July 2011

Blog #30

I wasn't going to go on a "it's hotter than hell", "I have third degree burns from my seat belt", "I'll go to jail if one more person says 'but it's a dry heat'" rant.  However, my day has warranted one.  Jesus fucking Christ!  I have some choice words of my own, but these two geniuses deserve credit for their utter understanding of the bullshit that is summer in Phoenix, Arizona.

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly, " he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Arizona is hotter than Hell. "

-One smart motherfucker 

I will never let my sister feed her cat Kibbles and Bits, ever.

And now for what sparked this utter breakdown.  I walked outside my house in the middle of the day to find this:

"Hey there bitches!, I can survive a nuclear bomb.  Arizona? What? Not a fucking chance."
It's cool buddy I've lost the will to live too.

When a roach keels over and dies for no other reason, that I can gather, than heat?  You know it's bad.  God speed la cucaracha. 

That's about all I have left in me after this day of total and utter shitness. 

Stay stifling hot my friends! 

-Katie E. Eshelman

P.S. Can't wait for the "dry" heat that will come with the impending storms on Monday.  Blog #31:  Why I hate the word moist.