09 June 2011

Blog #26

Why your driving habits/automobile choices classify you as a raging asshole.

#1: You think a designated left-hand, green arrow is a suggestion/You don't pull into the intersection to make a left-hand turn.  Schumcks like you should be blindfolded and forced to play tail on the asshole in the middle of 44th Street and Thomas at 4:00 in the afternoon.  You probably have a "Save the Whales" or "Bark Less, Wag More" bumper sticker/tramp stamp...i'm guessing a "Baby on Board" blinder as well. I could name a few more negligent left-hand turn folk;  however, I am trying to be less sexist/racist/ageist. 

#2: Spinning on rims? Your car has a semblance of primer that is left barely clutching to the rusted corpse you call a vehicle.  The way you have pimped your ride???  Well, if you were a mortician you would be fired.  I know what music is pumping from your jalopy and it sounds like an Alvin and the Chipmunks rendition of "La Cucaracha."  Nice sound system and chrome spinners.  Your ride is filed under:  grenade with a boob job.

 #3: Using the fast lane when your speed limit would make a sloth laugh.  I will give an example.

Example: Snowbirds.  Hi Octogenarian from Iowa or such, quick tip: those lights flashing behind you are a car that is giving you the, "Move Bitch Get Out The Way" signal.  In some cases you are going so slow it could be the cops.  What they are not?  God telling you to come towards them.  Get as far away from them as possible.  Hell, remember how old you are, look at the speedometer, then make those numbers match.

#4: Personalized License Plates.  NO. 

I could go on forever...sts.  Yet, I must save my strength for tomorrow.  Where I swear on my life I will be lined up and stuck in traffic...behind everyone of these "How many points can I rack up on my license?" assholes.  

Till then,

Katie E. Eshelman


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