24 June 2011

Blog #29

What I Say...What I mean.

I'll take care of that in ten minutes...I'm not going to touch this issue for at least two days.

The check is in the mail...It is not.  Hell, it hasn't even been printed.

You don't have to buy me a drink, I'm just finishing up here...I wouldn't let you buy me a drink if you were the last man on Earth, or woman for that matter.

It's not that I don't like you...You make me want to vomit.

I need a drink...I need at least three to mask the stench that was today.

I need a shot...The IRS sent me a letter, I'm late, the ASPCA released a new commercial, etc.

Boychick...my most recent ex boyfriend.  (My dad handed this one to me on a platter.)

You don't look fat...You do.  Your doppleganger is a goddamn hippo.

I'll never drink again...What time is it?



Well folks it's time to call this quits, as translating everything I say to what I mean will probably leave me with half of my facebook friends and six to nine actual friends...Don't give a shit, enjoying a glass of wine.

Bye Bye,


Katie E. Eshelman

16 June 2011

Blog #28

Installment #1 of  "Don't. Think About It. Most Assuredly Do."  (Guy version...or for those females who like other females.  I don't discriminate...much.)


DO NOT.

His wife will kick your ass.

Think About It?

Really darling?  Well, at least you still have a shoe on?

Your life depends on it.

.45?  Your attitude sucks but your gun is pretty rad.

 
Installment #2  (Carte Blanche)

DON'T

Two lead to ten.  Don't worry about the extra limes,
I just downed two of your shots.  That's right...skip to "I do."

Think about it?

It's just one more...

Do.

Of course you are ready.   Men and Lesbians, confused young ladies
"Picture Day" is looking OK right now.  However,
as a friend I will only tell you to think about it. 

I am exhausted and I still have actual work to do.  If my dad would stop snoring I'm pretty sure I could stay focused on the task at hand...which at this point, alludes me. 

Shots!


Katie E. Eshelman

10 June 2011

Blog #27

Parents Who Win at Losing.

 "Twat did you just say?"

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/article.aspx?cp-documentid=28895290&GT1=32060

Ma'am, you fail in so many ways I can hardly type fast enough.  Christ, even if this is how you felt you should have never divulged this information.  Suggestion: buy the bundle of joy a present and keep your mouth shut.  Filed under: shouldn't, did, failed.

"Why?"

All of these proud baby's mamas could win the title.  However, props to knowing when, how, and what disease was associated with your child's birth. 


 

"Leashes are for animals."

Really mom and dad?  You couldn''t possibly control the little shits you call your predecessors? Let's just say I am scared...and that my parents wish they knew about this device while I was a kid.


Mush!

Thus ends my short rendition of some of the worst parents ever.  I leave those with child this small suggestion: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  There is no shortage of "retirement" communities...just saying.


Salud,


Katie E. Eshelman

p.s.  Add Casey Anthony to this list.

09 June 2011

Blog #26

Why your driving habits/automobile choices classify you as a raging asshole.

#1: You think a designated left-hand, green arrow is a suggestion/You don't pull into the intersection to make a left-hand turn.  Schumcks like you should be blindfolded and forced to play tail on the asshole in the middle of 44th Street and Thomas at 4:00 in the afternoon.  You probably have a "Save the Whales" or "Bark Less, Wag More" bumper sticker/tramp stamp...i'm guessing a "Baby on Board" blinder as well. I could name a few more negligent left-hand turn folk;  however, I am trying to be less sexist/racist/ageist. 

#2: Spinning on rims? Your car has a semblance of primer that is left barely clutching to the rusted corpse you call a vehicle.  The way you have pimped your ride???  Well, if you were a mortician you would be fired.  I know what music is pumping from your jalopy and it sounds like an Alvin and the Chipmunks rendition of "La Cucaracha."  Nice sound system and chrome spinners.  Your ride is filed under:  grenade with a boob job.



 #3: Using the fast lane when your speed limit would make a sloth laugh.  I will give an example.

Example: Snowbirds.  Hi Octogenarian from Iowa or such, quick tip: those lights flashing behind you are a car that is giving you the, "Move Bitch Get Out The Way" signal.  In some cases you are going so slow it could be the cops.  What they are not?  God telling you to come towards them.  Get as far away from them as possible.  Hell, remember how old you are, look at the speedometer, then make those numbers match.

#4: Personalized License Plates.  NO. 

I could go on forever...sts.  Yet, I must save my strength for tomorrow.  Where I swear on my life I will be lined up and stuck in traffic...behind everyone of these "How many points can I rack up on my license?" assholes.  

Till then,


Katie E. Eshelman




   

03 June 2011

Blog #25

Why the fuck are these shows on T.V.?

1. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding:  Let me get this straight.  Definition of a gypsy: A member of a traveling people with dark skin and hair who speak Romany and traditionally live by seasonal work, itinerant trade, and fortune-telling. (Dictionary.com...shout out just in case they read my blog.)  Ok, this sounds legit.  However, the folks on this show don't travel...to be quite honest they just live in trailers and shit/urinate outside.  Dear "Travelers": your Great, Great Grandbubby might have hoofed it across the broad side of Europe but you have not.  You are no better than trailer trash.  As a matter of fact they win, as they defecate inside the comfort of their own shit hole.  In addition, you dress your little girls like whores/horrors...that's right. 

2. Say Yes to the Dress - Big Bliss: This winner involves larger women buying wedding dresses. Their biggest concern is finding a dress with a built in supportive bra for the front and the back. 

3. I Almost Got Away With It: Hey there buddy behind bars, saying you almost got away with it is akin to a woman saying; I almost came.  Gigantic. Epic. Fail.  Every episode of this show is filed under: worst story ever.  Reminds me of the incident where I fought the law, and hell...I Got Away With It.  Nothing beats being dismissed of all charges due to the fact I was being held "hostage" by the City of Tempe Police Department.  And I mean nothing.

4. (This refers to a particular episode, not the entire program) Gangland - Galloping Goose:
Way to come up with a hard gang name "Duck, Duck" and "Mother", you guys are clever.  I would have gone back to the drawing board with this one, or at least have gone with "Galloping Geese".  Entirely more frightening when more than one bird is involved.


Well my glass of wine is running low, my soup is burning on the stove, and a chilled Tequila shot is calling my name. 


Cheers my friends,


Katie E. Eshelman