03 May 2011

Post #22

Cliffs Notes version of my trip to Los Angeles.

Chapter #1: Enterprise Shuttle Bus Driver is a Honey Badger: 

I realized as I left LAX on a shuttle bus from the depths of hell that like the great Honey Badger, my Enterprise Bus Driver doesn't give a shit.  Look...he's using two lanes, he doesn't give a shit.  Oh my God he just ran into the back of another driver's bus!  Speed limit?  Cell phone laws?  Shuttle Bus Driver doesn't give a shit.  Was that traffic light red?  Yah it was, and guess what he didn't give a shit.

I wasn't ready to die.  Hell, I wasn't ready to be confined in a small space for the rest of my life or for any period of time.  My luck stayed amazingly horrific.  Turns out the entire Enterprise Team didn't give a shit.

Chapter #2: The KIA Rio: 

Automatic locks and windows?  Not a fucking chance.  It's cool, it's nice out.  Hey, I'll just leave the windows down and forget the fact that my knees are inches from my face (Wow, I can't shave for shit.)

Chapter #3: Karaoke:

The usual suspects.  Well folks, we had Holly "Slit My Wrists" Emo,  Jen "My Pants are Absurdly Tight" Bisexual, and Trevor "Short Pegs" Mathers.  Trevor was called out to sing 'Baby Got Back.'  I realized as he began that I was going to like this rendition.  He decided to replace a certain line of this timeless tune with: "36-24-36, Ha Ha, only if she's tall as me!" I needed a drink and was walking past him when I thought about asking if he was ever told...you must be "This tall to ride." (Picture my hand making a parallel hand gesture just under my boob.)  However, my quest for a drink/drinks prevented me from doing so.  It was closing time...I thanked whomever was looking down on me for the small favor.  The favor of going home.

Chapter #4:  Dog Shampoo:

I decided to peel myself off my cousin's couch and take a shower.  Took a peek inside inside the tub, it seemed to hold all the necessary cleansing requirements. Two bottles on the ledge, several other perched on shelves....I assumed shampoo and conditioner were a lock-in.  I was wrong.  This extra tub was for giving the pups a bath. There were two conditioners designed for those who walk on two legs.  Four shampoos for those that walk on all fours.  I had to make a decision and quick, I needed to kill my hangover.  I figured no worries and picked the most "salon" looking dog shampoo and went for it.  Nothing like human shampoo. Oh well, I was now ready to face the day.  I was protected from ticks and fleas, and my hair was surprisingly soft.

Chapter #5: My First Four Loko:

I am back in the KIA...not feeling so hot.  I pay $20 for a breakfast I didn't eat.  My choice looked like I ate a steak dinner and launched it back on my plate via projectile vomit.  Time to kill the hangover.  I decide to throw caution to the wind, I am drinking a Four Loco. 

(1/2 Hour Later)

Life will never be the same, watermelon Jolly Ranchers will never be the same.  After finishing off this liquid gold I listened to a Spanish music channel for what I only hope was around a half an hour...without even realizing it.  Me gusta Cuatro de Loco.  Then death stared me in the face again.  It came in the form of a bee.   A bee who nearly killed me.  Because, I did not have sufficient time to lean over and roll up the damn window.

Summary of remaining chapters:

Drinks.  Dinner.  Drinks.  Sleep.  Brunch.  405.  Enterprise.  Airport.  Beer.  Tequila.  Phoenix.  BYU Baseball team (no dice).  Dinner.  Drinks.  Sweet dreams.  Memories to last till next time. 

Thank you to all my California loves,


Katie E. Eshelman

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