06 April 2011

Post #12

I have been lying on my couch the whole day due to the stomach flu and I'm feeling ornery.  So I decided in order to combat feeling like death warmed over...I would make a list of four things a man can never look cool doing.  In no particular order.

1. VW Bug circa 1998-present.  You can't look cool driving behind the wheel of one of these vehicles.  I don't care if it has been pimped out by Xzibit, that is unless he pimps it into a truck.  Besides, we all know that if you are behind the wheel of this car it's because of your woman.  There is a goddamn vase built into the dashboard.  Man up.  Tell her that there is no way any respectable man with balls would drive a car with an "I am a princess" license frame and smiley face bumper sticker.  Then prepare for a fight. 

2. Riding bitch on a motorcycle.  This one is pretty self explanatory.  It doesn't matter if it's crotch rocket or a Harley.  Use an alternative method of transportation.  A taxi, a bus, hey here's a thought...use those hooves you were born with and walk.  Yet, if you do ever find yourself on the back of best bro's ride the most important rule is: never, ever let him give you his helmet to wear.  Ever.

3. Mandals.  Man sandals.  We can all thank Tevas/Ancient Rome for this style fail.  I will just provide photographic evidence and we shall move on.

The man purse is just as offensive.

4. The Cosmopolitan.  For the love of all that is good in this world don't order a "girly" drink at the bar, save that for the privacy of your own home.  A martini...acceptable.  An appletini...not.  In addition, ditch the straw boys.  If you do happen to order that pink lady the least you can do is chug it and then tell the girl next to you giving you the "what the fuck is he thinking" eye that it was a dare. 

Side story:  my dad's drink of choice is vodka/soda/splash of grapefruit.  So, my dad and I were on the way up to my cabin and decided to stop by the Sidewinder for a cocktail (think Cowboy/Biker bar).  He ordered up the usual and then went bright red when the waitress put his drink down in front of him.  All they had was pink grapefruit juice which they served to him in a cordial glass.  My dad could barely save face as we were sitting next to a man with a giant beer and side glass of whiskey.  Needless to say, on the way home from the cabin he ordered an Amberbock instead.  Lesson learned.

This list might only be in my book but in my book they hold true.  Ladies you are next as you can offend just as grievously.  Phew.  I feel a little better, although the ramifications of the Ramen I ate earlier have yet to come to fruition. 

To being happy and healthy,

Katie E. Eshelman

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