23 December 2011

Post #59

Update:  He expanded!  So f-ing stoked.
I think I'll get my eyebrows done today.
I'll bring this picture for inspiration.


What the hell I've been up to.  I know it's been awhile but I have been super busy doing the same shit on different days.

Arizona Floorcoverings newest neighbor Juan, you know the barber with mad computer skills?  Well he finished his sign that can be seen from fucking outer space.

Holy shit!  You just took barber pole to a completely
different (almost offensive) level.  I'm not sure this tactic will work in such a classy
neighborhood, but kudos it looks really nice.

My Uncle Aric decided to give him a shot.  While getting his hairs chopped he mentioned that our office desktop computer was broken.  Next day Juan came and picked it up, quoted a price that I did not pay attention to, and left.  Our computer is still missing.  Not cool Juan. That eggnog and whiskey special at our bar is now double for you...in cost...not booze.


The Adventures of Zach and his iPhone update:

He figured out how to access the game center.  To be honest, I still haven't delved this deep into my phone.  In any case, he joined every game that he could.  He informed me yesterday that he was upset because no one wanted to play with him.  The last game he joined?  Warcraft.  I'm pretty confident that if you have to ask Siri to text and call for you, Warcraft isn't the game for you.  I told him I played Words with Friends and that we could start a game.  He said no.


My sister and I stayed up entirely way too late the other night and decided that we should practice our "Holiday Pageant Duet." Our neighbor may or may not have called the cops on us to complain of a God awful noise.  Whatever lady, "You are the Wind Beneath My Wings" is a classic.  Where the hell is your holiday spirit?  Turns out Bitch Tits was equally disturbed.  After letting out a few pathetic cries she attacked Megan, I assume to try and smother her. This led me to only one conclusion.  My voice is superior.

Well that brings us to today.  This morning I had the pleasure of driving to Sun City, the geriatric capital of Arizona, to close a up a couple of files before the holidays.  Seems simple enough.  I woke up, put on one of my favorite pairs of old, really comfy jeans...that are a little worn out in the ass.  I must preface this because when I put them on, the last thing I thought was that they would meet their untimely death.  Let's move forward. "Volunteer City" here I come, hooray!!!  I called the household when I got off of the freeway to let them know I was close.  They told me that it took them twenty minutes from there but that they drive really fast so it might take longer.  Swell.  I got there in five damn minutes.  What speed limit do you folks consider fast?  10 mph?  I walked up the pathway to their abode and rang the bell, this apparently triggered the dog behind the door to almost have a grand mal seizure (at least that's what it sounded like).  Shits.  Turns out the little ball of bark is named Petie.  Lovely.  Well, Petie has no manners and begins the "jump up and scratch the crap out of me" routine.  The owners seem to think it's cute, I begged to differ.  In any case, I can't get the thing to sit still or leave me alone so I tried to discretely move myself around their kitchen island in hopes of avoiding him.  Terrible decision.  Petie didn't fall for my stealth-like maneuver and in a fit of rage tried to mount me from behind.  All would have been well and awkward if he hadn't hooked one of his nails in the back of my well worn jeans.  Yeah, the fuckers ripped...exposing my ass to not only the man of the house but the woman too.  The kind sir finally gave me the check I came to pick up and saw me to the door.  I love my job.

Rest in pieces jeans,

Katie E. Eshelman

15 December 2011

Post #58

Banking behavior that renders you an asshole.


So I'm slightly hungover as my good friend Kate decided to throw a wine party last night that could have leveled a pack of Eshelmans. I was supposed to leave with a bottle of wine as a parting gift...yeah...I ended up drinking it there. What can I say, her nine foot couch looked willing and able to sleep with me.  Why I felt the need to preface this before I moved on?  I'm not sure, fuck it.

DON'T.  Use the drive through ATM like a walk-up ATM. I am referring to the folks that roll up a good foot from the goddamn machine and then must park their car, open the door and get out to complete their transaction.  Hoof it to the walk-up you lazy bastards.  How in the hell can you not pull up close enough?  Find your depth perception and try again.

DON'T.  Get pissed at the teller when you have overdrawn your account  You are the dumb fuck who couldn't keep track of your money.  Either make more or spend less.  That teller behind the bulletproof glass (thank God for that) isn't the one who blew all your money on crack and booze.  And yes, that is what I believe you spent it on.  This based solely upon your attire and stench.  Although, it is quite possible that it is based upon the fact that your crack pipe is peeking out of your back pocket.

DON'T.  Ask the teller to cash your pay check in $2 denominations.  Period.  Way to passively aggressively say "Fuck You!" to the rest of world ma'am.  I'm not shitting you it took twenty minutes for the lady in front of me to get paid.  Absurd.  


To wrap it up, I would like to give a shout out to the Chase Bank, Wells Fargo, and Bank of America on 44th street and Thomas.  Your customers are the shit.

Deuces up,

Katie E. Eshelman

07 December 2011

Post #57

Watch out Nick Brandt.


I got a phone call from my dad the other night that there was an owl in his backyard.  It was actually warranted as those creatures are pretty fucking rad.  I told him to take a damn picture and get back to me.  Thanks to his new phone a photo was acquired.

All kidding aside, I'm so damn proud of you dad.

That picture is now his wallpaper, screensaver, and greatest accomplishment on his iPhone...aside from his hysterical fight with Siri.

Hooters,

Katie E. Eshelman

05 December 2011

Post #56


After Halloween I'm useless till January 5th.


Thanksgiving went off without a hitch.  Great times, great family...over a hundred bottles of wine consumed by almost everyone in attendance.  Side bar:  I would like to point out at this time that just because you carry a plastic bag containing several vodka smugglers on board for an east bound flight...doesn't mean you partook anymore than the rest of the clan.  My sister was more than willing and quite able to share them.  Moving on.  I was informed that certain family members would like an honorable mention in my blog.  Ask and you shall receive.


The "Boy Scout"

Tried to start a beach bonfire and failed.
A Swiss Army knife doesn't mean you get a badge.
Especially when you cut yourself with it and your mom
has to take it away.

A little background for the next biography.  When we showed up to my Uncle Greg's abode we were promptly given crayons and a blank paper turkey place mat.  Thus...

The "Artist"

The only kid in our family to be busted for cheating in a coloring contest.
Daniel allowed my sister to help him out.
Shame on you! And shame on Megan for using her unparalleled artistic
abilities to try and  obtain first and second place.  Disqualified.

My masterpiece.
Second place?  I tied for second place with my sister?  I'm 28 years old?  

Fucking robbed.

All in all it was a stellar trip.  It started with a ten minute security line due to the fact that my mother called  in ahead of time and requested a wheel chair.

Holy shat?!
That carpet is hideous.  Little planes in holding patterns? 

Looks like an air traffic controller's nightmare.

What in the devil?!
She's standing.  It's a Thanksgiving miracle!!!

I will now bring this memoir to an end. By fulfilling the most important request. I will mention my Uncle David (still can't for the life of me remember what you actually wanted me to say...maybe it was the wine.) So, hello and I love you.

To family,

Katie E. Eshelman

29 November 2011

Post #55

UPDATE:  So on Friday I went to ACE Hardware to pick up a humane mouse trap in hopes of catching and releasing Cheez-It outside alive and thankful.  Unfortunately, I found out the only traps of the those kind were upwards of fifty bucks.  So yeah...kind of awkward buddy as you are shit out of luck.  I bought an alternative method.

LIES!!!

My dad thought we should sweeten the deal and put a little treat next to each pack.  He suggested a nacho cheese flavored cracker.  No Dad.  I will not kill Cheez-It with Cheez-Its!  So I put a tortilla chip by each pack and closed the office for the weekend.  Nightmares ensued until Monday when I walked in the shop and discovered that my new office mate had treated the three "death zones" as such.  #1 Chip consumed, poison left untouched. #2 Chip ravaged, pack of poison relocated to...who the hell knows where.  #3 Chip inhaled, and one BITE of poison consumed.  The animal is now alive, full, and pissed.  Shits.



Give a mouse a box of wine over Thanksgiving? (Ok, ok...half empty box of wine.)  He'll try and eat every damn scrap of food in your office.

That's right folks there is a mouse that has decided to call Arizona Floorcoverings it's Motel 8 for a brief period of time, very brief.  Made an executive decision to call him Cheez-It (Nutcracker was a close second) because when I think 'mouse' I see:

Hey there little fucker.  Thanks for leaving the bag of delicious almonds you gnawed
your way through wide open.  They are now stale and inedible.  

Then I was reminded of a little something called Hantavirus.  Thanks Ben Eshelman.  It seems stale almonds and tortilla chips aren't so bad after all.  In any case, now I'm thinking...

Fucking nightmares for days.
Solution obtained?

"What? No wine?"

Nope.  In closing, tomorrow I must go to Home Depot and try to find a humane mouse trap to catch the little shit. Fucking Cheez-It.  

Truly Nolen,


Katie E. Eshelman

21 November 2011

Post #54

Monday Fun Day.


Zach Eshelman got an iPhone.  He spent the better half of the morning screaming at it to "TEXT JERI!" and to "FIND SIRI! Where's Siri? Siri talks to Steve."  He was actually upset that the phone talked to Steve and not him.  Steve being one of my dad's best friends.  The same guy who took a picture of his own dog and made it the background of my dad's new phone as he knew he wouldn't be able to change it...and was right.  It took him about ten minutes to pick his ring tone as he had to listen to each and everyone of them, twice.  He's also excited that we can now "face to face", more commonly known as FaceTime.  Like we don't see each other enough at work, on the weekends, at family functions? Thank God it's a short work week.

A gentleman came into the store looking for 3D Imaging Sales, a screen printing store. I tried to explain to him they were no longer here and haven't been for years.  At this point arguing ensued.  Excuse me sir, if you shut the hell up for just a second and take a gander around you will see this is a carpet store/bar & grill/gym.  I could give two shits that you called their number and they said they were still in business, because they are not in business HERE.  If you are not interested in flooring or a glass of cheap wine please exit the building.  Yet another interpersonal skill win for me.

Two hours later...


Lost the will to work due to a two hour iPhone lesson.  Came to the conclusion that Thanksgiving warrants a whole damn week off.  I mean it gets overshadowed by Christmas, shit on by Santa, and wished to a quick death due to Black Friday.  I'm starting a petition.

Counting down the days till St. Patties!

Katie E. Eshelman

10 November 2011

Post #53

What the fuck happened this week.  I usually throw these out on Fridays but tomorrow is Veteran's Day and I'm riding that government holiday all the way to the...errr...bank?  Nevermind.


Still paranoid as fuck that Bitch Tits is trying to kill me.  The reasons are immeasurable.  Well I finally managed to grab photographic evidence that should prove to the world that she does in fact hate my guts.  I was reading a book and she jumped up on my lap...just feeling out the enemy I figured.  When I finally acknowledged her?  This was the death stare she was giving me.

Oh sweet merciful crap.  

The stone cold killer didn't even flinch when I grabbed my phone.  I quickly realized I was the human in this situation and told her that cats don't really have nine lives...they have one.  Shit you not she was like:

I will accept your olive branch at anytime Zosh.  Ball of string is in your court.

I went to Walgreen's to pick up some vino for my sister and myself and there was an offensively sexy man in the parking lot talking on his phone.  He was clearly not checking me out...but he sure as shit was in my head.  I made an executive decision not to procure the box of wine I had originally planned on as he would see me exit the store with it and he would want nothing to do with me. (Yes, I think about this shit.)  So I grabbed three bottles of wine instead and went to the check out.  That's where the nice store clerk gentleman told me that if I bought one more bottle they would all be 10% off!  Naturally I picked another bottle of wine because who in their right mind would turn down such a frugal deal.  Not this Jew.  I sashayed my way out of the store and that's when I realized that looking like an alcoholic as opposed to being a cheap one probably makes no difference to him.  Pretty sure I'm not getting that first date.

Then today I arrive home to find this:


Mom?  I swear I'll be good.  I'll take out the trash and everything...tomorrow.

I mean how the hell does shit like this happen?  So now I have to sleep with one eye open?  Crap.  If this makes no sense to you it means you didn't read this http://eshelwoman.blogspot.com/2011/09/post-43.html.  

To life,


Katie E. Eshelman

08 November 2011

Post #52

I can't figure it out ladies.  The idea that if you throw sparkles/sequins/jewels on something you are making it better. I promise you it does not.

Nope.  Still fucking ugly.

That sweater?  Not better.
Those pants?  A whole bunch of awesome.

Survey says?  It's still a piece of shit.

Lastly, the phenomenon that is vajazzling.  I mean twat the sparkling fuck!?  Jewels on your vagina!?  No, no, no.  In fact, I can't even expand on this as it's just too fucking weird.

Congratulations!   You just made a treasure box.

I think that just about sums it up.  Stop slapping rhinestones on ugly.  Thanks.


Katie E. Eshelman

27 October 2011

Post #51

Hearing aid of the future...errr, past?

Lately, my dad's hearing has gone to shit.  I mean he needs a hearing aid in a bad way.  As always, he took the traditional route of not going to the doctor and figuring it out on his own.  Ladies and gents this was his solution:


n. pl. sho·fars or sho·froth (sh-frt, -frs) Judaism
A trumpet made of a ram's horn, blown by the ancient Hebrews during religious ceremonies and as a signal in battle, now sounded in the synagogue during Rosh Hashanah and at the end of Yom Kippur.



This is how it works:

Yes, we do in fact have a Jew horn.

I can hear!?!

Final result:

video
You're not doing it right!!!

Um, yeah...he was channeling his inner Peter Pan.  Now, if you are thinking poor Jeri?  Don't.  She brought this upon herself as she is the one that found it and put it in his hands.  Fatal error mom.   

Bangladesh!


Katie E. Eshelman

21 October 2011

Post #50

What the fuck happened this week...


I am not firing on all cylinders today as I got wine wasted last night.  However, I am pushing this out because I have ten followers that need to know.

True Love Update:  My dad fell out of bed a couple nights ago and my mom was awake when it happened.  She waited for him to moan it out for about five minutes before asking if he was OK.  Took him five seconds to blame it on her.  He was convinced she pushed him.  Talked to my mom and apparently she surmised from his sleep talk that he thought he was at the pool and the last thing he said before belly flopping on their wood floor was "Weeeee!"  Two days after the fact, my dad asked me if my mom had taken responsibility for his "fall".  I told him her story and his response was a giggle (yes a giggle) and "Oh yeah, I do remember dreaming about being at the pool."  Case closed.

I figured out a new way to piss off Bitch Tits. I just put kitty treats on her back.

If looks could kill.  Too bad they can't Zoshua.  I win.

I found out my camera phone might be a racist prick.  I got my new Hadassah magazine in the mail.  Best cover ever...because it was fucking Blossom!!!  I had to take a picture so I could mass text all my favorite Jews.  I decided against that as this was the result.

Pinocchio?

Well, I suppose it's time to tend to actual work at this point.  The step machine needs shining and the grill needs cleaning.  

Toodles,

Katie E. Eshelman  

16 October 2011

Post #49

Advertisement Fuck Up


No. No. Hail no.

This is not right, in anyway. The first twenty five seconds intrigued me, the last seven?  Deeply disturbed me.  Christ, at this point RepHresh couldn't clean up this mess of a commercial.  And to be honest...you could say the same thing about the "P."


Stay Fresh,

Katie E. Eshelman

15 October 2011

Post #48

What the fuck happened this week...


Let's see, on the work front we have decided to expand beyond flooring and the AZFC Bar & Grill, we are adding a gym.  My dad and I procured a step machine that was tragically left unattended and abandoned outside the back of our office.  It's ours now.  Stop on by my office if you are ever in need of some flooring, a glass of wine, or a geriatric paced workout.

Get to steppin' 

I made a rule that no male cousins of mine are allowed to come over and hang out during the week again.  Two separate days of blistering hangovers and the knowledge that I consumed the most horrific piece of pizza in my life are enough for awhile. I also made a rule that the maximum amount of toppings that should ever be allowed on a pizza is six.  Woof.

My texting lessons with my mother went well enough.




My sister found her Halloween costume (I shit you not, couldn't make this up if I wanted to.):

You might see a Pterodactyl or possibly a dude on the losing end of a bet.
All I see is a terrifying family photo op. 

Well it's time to step outside into this brisk, cool fall day and either prep to watch ASU kill Oregon or attend the fair and Trace Atkins concert.  Pretty positive they will be equally disastrous.

Adios,

Katie E. Eshelman

UPDATE:


Rarrr.

13 October 2011

Post #47

The Land Before Time.


Christmas came early for me this year.  

It's Sharp Tooth!!! 


Well look at that folks, she's willing to wear her "friendship" bracelet after all.

Not to be outdone the little shit promptly delivered a present to my bedroom door...in the form of a goddamn cockroach.  The T-Rex dies in the movie Zoshua.  Just saying.

Game on mother fucker,

Katie E. Eshelman

Additional Footage:
Pure.  Hatred.

She wouldn't even stand up.   Pussy.

03 October 2011

Post #46

So being the good Jew that I am I had to glean from Facebook that it was Rosh Hashanah.  Once I figured it out I promptly screamed "Happy New Year!" via status update.  My Gentile cousin was nice enough to respond with: "L'Chaim!"  To which my other Gentile cousin responded: "Is that how it's spelled?!"  Well shit...is it?  I did what I always do, I threw it into a search.  This is what I got:

L'Chaim VODKA!?!   How the hell does that come up before meaning or lyrics???
Apparently, Google likes Jews who like booze.
Clicked on that search bubble and discovered this:


Look at that, wine and tequila to boot!  Sorry Fiddler on the Roof...Fiddlers on the Hooch is where it's at.  

Here's to Yom Kippur and to life!

Katie E. Eshelman

30 September 2011

Post #45

What the fuck happened this week...


Well, I found this photo on my phone.

When: Last Saturday night.  Where: Rusty Spur.  
Situation:  I told the dude next to me that I was going to 
Ruphenol his beer.  He eventually had to head to the little boy's room.
Way to thwart my attack with a napkin bright eyes.  I hate to break your heart
but the "pull-out" method doesn't work either.


My dad got subpoenaed by another flooring company's angry customer.  Thank God she wasn't livid with us, I don't think we will ever live down the surprise home makeover we pulled this year. (Great story, still makes me laugh.) In any case, I couldn't help but picture my father in court.  This was the first and only thing that came to mind.

The truth being you didn't hire us to do your flooring and you got fucked.


I took a trip to the mall with my mother.  It took me a whole damn hour to realize she was wearing these:


Fucking what!?!  Bitch Tit socks?  That's correct folks.  My sister bought these
for my mother to wear...and she did.  I am terrified.


Today?  Well let's just say right now my dad is snoring and I am writing this.


Closing time,

Katie E. Eshelman

23 September 2011

Post #44

What the fuck happened this week...


My mom called me at 7:00 in the morning today to tell me she sent me the funniest email ever.  The etiquette of Internet messaging is apparently lost on her.

My uncle sent me an email containing this video: http://www.tvkim.com/watch/728/kims-picks-funny-song-about-losing-your-memory?utm_medium=nl  I promptly sent it to my mother and then called her to tell her about it.

I got buzzed last night and bought this.


Boom.  Can't take this off or discard.  It's engraved bitch...tits?!

It was the best of the four I decided to order off of http://www.loveyourpets.com/.

What the fuck?

I blame the white wine and filthy shot of Jameson my dad and I HAD to take last night in honor of our client Geraldine Jamieson whose vinyl flooring we installed today.  Made/makes sense.

I got angry at the television which is pretty typical.  The show?  "Ten Dollar Meals."  You have got to be kidding me lady.  That "frugal" meal you just spiced up in your kitchen? It only applies to people who live on a goddamn farm. 90% of your meal consists of your own fresh herbs, vegetables, eggs, chicken, milk, and slaughtered pig.  I live in a townhouse. I have a cactus in a terracotta pot and some shreds of grass mixed with weeds.  Go fuck yourself.

Finally, autumn began.  The temperature dropped to a tolerable 105 degrees so I decided to wear my first jacket of the season.  Moderately intelligent choice, I sweat out all the booze from last night.

Cheers to Fall,

Katie E. Eshelman

22 September 2011

Post #43

True Love.

In a world where love is fast and marriages are fleeting it's nice to know that my parents still got that lovin' feeling.  I'll use the other night as an example.  My dad calls me in a panic (he may or may not have had a few cocktails.) What follows is the gist of our conversation.

Dad:  I think your mother is trying to kill me.
Me: Why?
Dad: My guacamole smells funny and it's really green.  I think she put antifreeze in it.  I swear she is trying to poison me.
Me: Does it taste sweet?
Dad: Maybe...
Me: Dad, she didn't lace your guacamole with antifreeze. (Silence)
Me: Dad?
(Dad drops phone and call is lost.)

I promptly call my mother who lives with my father but is sitting in the other room...just to check.

Me: Is dad OK?
Mom: Yes, why?
Me: He says you are trying to poison him.  He dropped his phone.  Is he alive?
Mom: Yes, he is.  No, I am not trying to poison him.
Me: He thinks you put antifreeze in his guacamole.
Mom: There is no antifreeze in the house Katie.
Me: Alright, just letting you know.

Two minutes later I decided to call my dad back.

Me: Dad, mom said she is not trying to kill you.  She says there isn't even antifreeze in the house.  I think you are imagining things.
Dad: No I'm not, something smells like poison. (Long pause)  It might be my hair, I accidentally washed it with vinegar this morning and forgot to shampoo after.
Me: (laughing too hard to respond)

That is pretty much how the conversation ended as I couldn't breathe for a good minute or two.

The proud daughter of Zach & Jeri,

Katie E. Eshelman

16 September 2011

Post #42

What the fuck happened this week...


Well, well, well.  I found out that I not only look like a dude/lesbian when I go to work, I might also sound like one.  It has now happened more than I would like to admit.  I answer the phone at the office and the response is: "Zach?"  This week it was "Zantz Eshbelnen?" (They were calling from the United States for sure.)

I made coasters from old, tiny, travertine samples and 3M felt skid pads.  My Jewish mother would be so proud.  She was the one who taught me to buy smugglers for the airplane.  Fuck the stingy, wallet raping drinks that Southwest serves.  Just buy the mini bottles of booze at Walgreen's and make yourself a double. They absolutely can and will go through security.


I found out about this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8ISzf2pryI


My sister left town.  I told Bitch Tits she was never coming back.  I promise you the fucking cat shed a tear.  I explained that I was the boss and always would be.  If I don't check in on Facebook somewhere or sometime tomorrow it means she successfully eliminated me.



I wasn't kidding, she lost the will to live.
Yes, that is a plastic bag.  No, I didn't allow her to follow through.



God speed,

Katie E. Eshelman

08 September 2011

Post #41

Post Labor Day weekend productivity at it's finest.

I got many a thing done the last couple of days.  At work?  I checked messages, returned emails, ordered some floors, scheduled a few things.  Delivered all of my work neighbor's mail as the United States Postal Service basically doesn't give a shit anymore and just gives it all to me.  Patted myself on the back for a job well done.

At home?  I decided to extend an olive branch to Bitch Tits and went ahead and made her a friendship bracelet.  Oh all right, it was originally slated to be a human sized bracelet but I couldn't finish it.  I got insanely bored and also realized it was heinous.  The art of re-gifting was not lost upon me.  I gave it to my sister as a bookmark.  Fast forward to the brilliant idea of a peace offering for the cat (sorry Megan but I had to take it back.)

Long story short?   The furry little shit loathed it.

Really?  You can't even look at it?  Well screw you too asshole.  In
grammar school this cavalier attitude towards being someone's BFF would have left you playing
four square with a wall.  It's string for the love of God.  You are supposed to swoon.  

So, overall pretty thrilled by my list of accomplished tasks.

Katie E. Eshelman

05 September 2011

Post #40

Fortune cookie fails.


UPDATE:


Lies!  All lies!



Oh, well this is just fucking grand.  How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight?
But what???
(Side bar:  I decided to try and make nice with the cat assassin.  Step One: Breed Trust)



Spectacular.  I should get a job writing these bits of whimsy.
Let's see...how about: "Your Little Pony...went to a glue factory."

 

I can safely say I will not be flipping over any more fortunes to learn Chinese.  Assholes. 


Zai Jian,


Katie E. Eshelman

02 September 2011

Post #39

What the fuck happened this week...

I proved to my father that Febreze smells like old woman and musk.  I figured this would mean it had no place in our store.  He spritzed the shit out of our office...I quit.

I rehired myself.

Finished The 19th Wife, a fine tail of polygamy.  Accordingly, I figured out my Halloween costume for this year.  I need approximately five lady friends (one will need to know how to properly plait hair) and a dude to complete the look.

I played a drinking game with myself and lost.

I made an executive decision to bring a George Foreman grill to the office.  The AZFC Bar and Microwave is coming together nicely...we can now actually call it bar and grill.

Found out my sister's cat is secretly trying to kill me.  Woke up Wednesday morning and my door was ajar.  Guess who figured out how to open it?  I almost shit myself when I fully swung it open and saw Bitch Tits (this being the name I lovingly bestowed upon her) ready to pounce on my face.  Super happy I now have life insurance.


Zosh a.k.a. "Bitch Tits"
Don't allow a simple act of complacency to fool you.
This evil creature is guilty of attempted murder and breaking and entering.

Got background checked by my boss, thanks Dad.  My freshman year minor in possession is going to follow me till the day I die.  Which could be sooner rather than later...fucking cat.

That pretty much sums it up.  I feel like I made huge strides towards doing nothing important.

Happy Goddamn Labor Day,


Katie E. Eshelman

23 August 2011

Post #38

As most of you know (or goddamn should if you follow me) I was in a small fender bender a few weeks ago.  I was in a rental vehicle as my car was in the shop.  The fact that it was being repaired for a similar accident should be null and void, and it is...because I said so.  Moving on.  The lady at Circle K who came into contact with me assumed that my silence was an allusive "declaration" of my fault.  Wrong bitch.  I kept my mouth shut because I knew how this story would end.  I would be responsible for my damage and she would be for her own.  I filed a claim with my insurance company.  Fast forward three weeks later...

My phone jing-a-lings.  Not a number I recognize, but I answer.  Took me about twenty seconds to realize what was going on as the psycho twat starting spewing crap the moment I picked up.  She explained that she was going to call the cops and have them issue me a citation for not having proof of insurance at the scene of the crime, she was also going to promptly take me to small claims court.  It took me another four seconds before I hung up on her without saying a word.

What happened during the 30 seconds (1/2 a minute to be dramatic about it) following call: I got a chance to explain to my dad what just happened on the phone.  He expressed the desire to answer if she called back.  She did, and he did.


What happened during the next 24 seconds:  My dad answered, listened, and then gave his input. "Go ahead and call the FUCKING cops!"

Point of this story?  My dad and I have the exact same asshole tolerance level.

Couldn't even get through the better half of a minute.
I realize now this is probably the swiftness in which men  block out
a nagging girlfriend. 


Bumper to Bumper,

Katie E. Eshelman