24 March 2017

Post #96

Tiny abodes, with significant other, absolutely fucking no.

Britt wants to get a luxury small house.

Things people say about their new tiny homes:

Janice:  It's 165sf but it feels really spacious! (As her ass is cuddling with the cupboard and her stomach is hugging the sink).
It's not spacious Janice, they might need an emergency crew to break you free from the prison that is your kitchen and release your husband.

Steven: I like the door.
That's fucking awesome, a door...you like a door?  Just the one?  Oh that's right, that's how many doors you have.

Bridget: The backsplash is really nice.
All 2 square feet of it?

Nancy: I love that I can sit in my master loft, the teak beam right through the center is really beautiful.
Yes, until it's covered in your hair and blood when you hear a deer fart in the woods and are startled awake. 

Fiona: The tapestry, I love the tapestry...what a great touch!
It's a fucking blanket on a wall Fiona.

Britt: We could buy one, yes?
NO.

Ripple fits, Bitch Tits has been evicted...and we are sleeping in grass which I am allergic to.

Needless to say, this is how I feel about miniature, made for ants, dwellings.

1000 square feet minimum,

Katie E, Eshelman



23 March 2017

Post #95

Online shopping, while drinking wine, while living with a significant other.

So, I find a website with odd kitchen gadgets and such.  Here is what I believe I need.  I will fill in Britt's commentary without him as I already now what he will/would say.

Item #1
Me: I need this.
Britt: Nope, no you don't.
Me: Why the hell not?
It's a fishing pole that cooks a hot dog and marshmallows at the same time!
Britt: You don't fish and you don't camp Katie.
Me: Well fuck, fine...I'll find something else.
Item #2
Me: I need this.
Britt: What the fuck is that?
Me: It's an avocado hugger.
Britt: You have got to be shitting me.
Me: Everyone needs a hug Britt.
Britt: (radio silence) 
Item #3 (And the last I try to convince him I need to purchase.)
Me: What do you think about this?
Britt: Will it be filled with Jack Daniels?
Me: Sure, why not?
Britt: Buy it right fucking now.

I am still unsure why this man puts up with my antics, but we have fun!

To life, love, and flasks,
Katie E. Eshelman



16 March 2017

Post #94

Back By Popular Demand

I decided that I would try acupuncture for the first time as I struggle with neuropathy.  Literally cannot feel my legs, I look like a happy, injured, duck when I walk.

Move bitch get out the way!

I went for my first session, scared out of my mind.  My loving fiance drove me and let's just say, I got out of the car as fucking quick as I could because we did three u-turns to find the place and he was late for an appointment (my fault completely). The needles didn't seem so scary anymore, the look in his eyes most assuredly was.  The lovely receptionist gave me a chart, a chair and a bucket for my shoes.  I quickly realized that "community" acupuncture means you are in the same room as everyone else.  Fuck.  There was no going back.  It took not even one minute before all the pins were in place, I looked like a human porcupine.  I tried to relax.  NOPE.  A 30 minute flute solo in the background rendered me wide awake and wondering if I was on an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.  I couldn't move and the guy next to me in Bed #10 looked terrified.  I almost wanted to whisper that I had his back if this shit went awry.  However, they frown upon talking. I think he understood by the look in my eyes. The session ended and I walked out of the place like I just survived a hostage situation.

I went back three days later, it actually made me feel better.  I hoped that my buddy would be there to have my back like I did his, he wasn't.  It doesn't even matter...Punctured Pals for life!

Your's truly,

Katie E. Eshelman

20 November 2015

Post #93

As I reflect on this year and all the great things that have happened this month, it leaves me with several thoughts and giggles.

Visiting New Babies:

My sister Megan (new mom) vs. I have no baby:

New mom : Brings her good friends Drew and Chelsea taco platters with no intention of even waking their new baby up but just to shower them with delicious pre-made food.  As they are probably tired and hungry.

Me: Shows up at 5:30 in the pm and drinks the new mom and dad's wine.  I am a total asshole sometimes.  Shit happens.  Love you Dillon and George!!!

My Mother and Father:

Mom and iPhone:

Accidentally FaceTimed my boyfriend.  Thank God she was dressed.  That's all.  Love you mom.

Father:

Probably sleeping.  However, his day was made yesterday when he bought his first natural fed Turkey...which my boyfriend has agreed to deep-fry.  For some reason this all sounds wrong and right at the same time.

Friends:

Jana:  

Probably one of the best friends you could possibly have.  I remember in grade school you would have necklaces or bracelets declaring to the world that you had found someone who was your soul sister...that's right I said it!  This girl is one one of them.

My most bitching friendship ring ever!
Work:

Fuck it.

Animals:

Bitch Tits goes in and out of hating me and dealing with me.  We have a daily fight over whether or not she wants to bite my foot off.  Mr. Sushi?  Well, same shit different day...for fuck's sake, he just swims in his bowl.  Then comes the terror of TV remote land.  Ripple, that little shit ate another goddamn remote control.  How in the fuck am I supposed to watch my pre-recorded Judge Judy shows if I can't use the "list" button?  I even bought that turd a sweater as she hates being cold.  


Hi Ripposaurus, you are lucky I found out I could use
the menu button you didn't gnaw through!  

Significant Other:

The first fridge I bought with my sister 8 years ago:

Britt and I bought new appliances, which I am thrilled about.  But, I had to say goodbye to my first fridge, and when I finally pulled off the little plastic safety tape on that Frigidaire... I cried, like a baby.  Yes, Megan and I left it on since day one. It's not the appliance but the memories goddammit!  Britt laughed at me, but also gave me a hug and told me he loved me.  That's what it's all about folks.  Finding that person that let's you be a sentimental woman (child)...instead of thinking you are batshit crazy.  Although, he still might...

May you crisp beer, chill boxes of wine, and cool condiments for all the years of your life!
Cheers!

Okay, so that about sums it up.  I look forward to Thanksgiving and eating the shit out of mashed potatoes and gravy.  I sincerely hope that all of my dear friends have an amazing holiday.  Looking forward to seeing most of you at my folk's house!


Happy Holidays,

Katie E. Eshelman 

  

16 November 2015

Post #92

Hi foks!  Life as I know it...

Home:

I live with a Seahawk fan.

Go Cards!!!


Work:


4:00 yet?

Animals:

Pretty much the damn same.  Mr. Sushi is swimming, so yeah, all good on that note.  Bitch Tits hates me with a fiery passion...until I cut her nails, which she assumes is a manicure and I am her "bitch". Brilliant.  Ripple loves everyone and every goddamn thing.  She would invite a serial killer into the house...and then give them HER goddamn treats if she could.  

I know where they hide the money too!  

So in general, life as I know it is awesome.  Weather is amazing and I believe it calls for a martini lunch.  

Cheers to all,

Katie E. Eshelman

P.S.  I am a fucking turd.  I have a brand new nephew, George, that I love more than the color green!!!  Still won't change his diaper.  I tried to pick up a shit nugget of Ripples and proceeded to vomit.  

13 May 2015

Post #91

I work at a little, neighborhood, family run flooring store.

My work consists of managing bills, accounts, etc.  Not sales.  However, when duty calls?


My attempt at a sale:

Potential Customer:  I found this carpet at Home Depot for $0.98/sf with installation for only $100.00.

Me:  Can I show you some comparable carpets for a competitive price?  Have they given you a comprehensive measure and bid?  Because we will do that for free and discount their measure fee on the estimate.

Naive Customer:  No, but it says $0.98/sf with installation for only $100.00.

Sales Lady of the Year: Make like the Gingerbread Man. Run, run back to Home Depot now and get there as fast as your fucking hooves can take you!!!  Here, I'll even open the door for you, because that's a goddamn steal.



Potential comeback customer when they get their actual estimate from Home Depot.

Don't get me wrong, I shop at Home Depot, it's just that their carpet section is a crock of shit!  Such a big one in fact, that a herd of elephants could defecate in it for a goddamn year!

I was clearly meant to be in this profession.



Regards,
Katie E. Eshelman

27 April 2015

Post #90

Hello!

Back by popular demand...as in two people (My Uncle Littlefield and my cousin Arica) requested me to do so...I am going to attempt to start writing my blog again.  Writer's block is a fucking bitch, a bigger bitch than me when it's that time of the month and I am hungry.  So here goes...

Life has changed for me in a big way.  And this is what happened:

My sister found an incredible man many years ago and they decided to get married, she decided to move out of our home of seven years, and have a baby. That's right...I was abandoned by my sister and left for dead.

Just kidding, we all know I like to exaggerate.

I got to move in with my main squeeze and honestly could not be happier!

I got the cat in the sister separation.  So for those who are wondering, which I know is everyone, Bitch Tits has adapted well to the changes.

You're not my real mom!!!

All in all it's been a hell of a good couple of years.  I have bought more shoes for my about to be nephew than I have for myself.  My legs haven't seen the light of day for far too long, and have now been dubbed "Casper Sticks".  I have been told by my mother that my fridge looks like an "adult" fridge as opposed to a "college student" fridge...there is food, not just booze and condiments.  I am not happy that my beer crisper drawer is filled with vegetables...goddamn cooking and bullshit.  Not sure how I feel about that.

Work is as good as ever.  My Uncle Aric's fart machine provides many laughs.  Especially, when you are trying to sell a customer and they think you just shit your pants.

video

Parents are wonderful.  My mother is about to go full Yenta in October.  My dad is the same as ever, handing out gifts of wisdom and "good" jokes.


So, those are my updates as of now, I will try and keep this bitch updated regularly.

Cheers!

Katie E. Eshelman